Overcoming Divorce Pain:
Powerful Hacks and Mind Tricks to
Overcome Divorce Pain
By Christopher Meyer, Texas Family Lawyer Attorney
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Hi, my name is Christopher Meyer, and I am a Domestic Violence and Divorce Lawyer for greater Houston, Texas.
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Light and Darkness
“Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.” I thank the late and great Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. for this powerful quote.
Imagine two objects: one object is filled with light and the second object is filled with darkness. These two objects sit next to each other on a table. The light represents confidence, clarity, happiness, joy and the celebration in someone’s life. The darkness represents the pain, regret, confusion, second guessing and well you get the idea. You are standing in the darkness and are saddened by pain and everything else that exists in that seemingly infinite darkness. So what do we do? What goal should I be working towards?
The goal is to ask yourself what you should do to step out of the darkness and into the light. This simple framework is the premise for my entire message to you and can be used as a ‘standard model’ to help you to systematically overcome the divorce pain and ultimately use your head to fix your heart.
The Trauma Cycle
When you find yourself having experienced trauma or pain (and please note: I will use these terms interchangeably!), it might be such a situation where you feel like you cannot let go of the pain, or the pain will not let you get rid of it. Either way, you are sad and this place is the darkness. In this dark place you might feel confused, experiencing pain, and allowing your ex’s opinions of you to be internalized. You feel guilty and this leads to regret. While experiencing regret, you might continuously play the tape “I’m a horrible person” in your head. This regret leads to self doubt (when I said “self doubt,” I want you to hold that thought for a minute!). One thing I do not recommend to my trauma victims is to forgive the abuser. Remember, this healing process is about you and only helping you. The abuser does not even need to know about it. By forgiving the abuser, in a way, you are making excuses for their behavior.
After examining the trauma cycle in the earlier chapter and agreeing that you might be stuck in this “subconscious doom loop” it is now time to try to find some clarity about the trauma. One of the first things we can do is to be kind to yourself and ask yourself some questions and try to do it from a logical point of view. So, let’s talk about what happened. Why did he or she leave? Why did you leave? What factors were present at the end of the relationship? Was alcohol in the area? Were there other factors? Drugs? Any drugs (legal or illegal)? Was the concept of “power and control” more or less a theme at the end of the relationship?
Ok, now we think we have some clarity on where all the parties were at when the relationship dissolved. So where can and do we go from here? A good starting point would be to start building our confidence in our own self worth, where we are going in life on this new path, what does the future hold? You are a good person and you are worthy of love! That is certainly something to be confident about.
Let go of your ex! Give up any “false need” for justice or to be right. Just admit there is no hope. If you have some ‘romantic notion’ that you two will be back together again, then that is a type of second guessing, which is the last place in the Trauma Cycle, right before you flow right back into confusion. Remember, the goal here is to break you out of this “subconscious doom loop” you are stuck in.
Self-Forgiveness! I am asking you to forgive yourself. I am not asking you to forgive your abuser. When you forgive your abuser, you are making excuses for their behavior. It puts you into a position of you doubting your decision to leave or continue to be abused.
The final step is to have a Clear Roadmap to success in future relationships. I pray for success as you decide how the roadmap to the next chapter in your life will look. I pray it is filled with healthy relationships!
You are not the person your ex thinks you are.
In closing, “Do Not Let Divorce Pain Rule Your Life!”
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